My recliner is comfortable enough, in an institutional vinyl kind of way. Under the nurses’ counter hang some colored pencil madala designs, made, I suppose, by other patients. PJ Harvey on the headphones makes it easier to forget about the needle in my arm and the chems it’s dripping into me.
I remember a few decades ago, Mike and I talking about Chrissy Hynde being intriguingly frightening-yet-sexy. That’s PJ now. Unlike Mike and I, Chrissy got old. PJ though, “…till somebody told me run on in honey, before somebody blows your god-damn brains out…” Sexysexyscary. Believe it or not, We’ll Float is really a quite beautiful song, in a sexyscary kinda way.
A friend (I’m constantly amazed and thankful) alongside her thoughts, prayers, and cards also left on my door step 3 CDs and a plate of cookies. The cookies she left were delicious. I ate her cookies but haven’t heard the CDs yet. I read the labels and judged the books by their covers. They are apparently beautiful, calming, healing sounds. If she reads this… well, now I really feel bad.
I’m sorry. Why does sexyscary PJ Harvey heal me more than Mandalas and New Age medicine music?
Left to my own devices, I think I probably gravitate toward the recliner of least resistance. Like, when I was a depressed, lethargic teen, and, dammit, Travis the Wonder Dog would bring up a ball or frisbee and ask why we weren’t outside sweating right now? Calmly sitting, introspecting, is something I don’t need encouragement to do. But I love punk rock. I’m lucky enough fall in love with influences that counter my tendencies. Like Maryanna’s tendency to look both ways, while I tend to believe that oncoming traffic will see me and know what to do.
What makes me feel most alive is the edgy, the exciting, the meant-to-be-played-loud. Ethereal and calming is all good and necessary. I need Mark Rothko. I need a celtic ballad I can’t even understand. But what I really need to feel alive is a Songye dance mask, rhythm, movement, Iggy Pop (no, not sexy, but definitely scary). I want my heart to know it’s beating. I believe in meditation. I practice it. I believe all teachers of children should be proficient in relaxation techniques. But I also believe in the sound of the shofar.
The shofar, blown on Rosh Hashannah, is not a celebratory blast. It is an alarm clock.
If you and I have talked for more than an hour, you know my current motto. You know I got it from a bumper sticker I used to see every morning on my way to work. It’s for teachers, it’s for hearers of the shofar, it’s for anyone and everyone who would rather recline: “Comfort the disturbed – Disturb the comfortable”.
A task is noticing which side of that equation you are on.
So, this vinyl chair, the mandalas, the needle, the discomfort I anticipate to feel through the coming week, PJ, Jolie Holland (Amen is one of the most quietly uplifting, affirming, simply beautiful songs I know), cancer, a briar-encrusted bushwack to the top of a steep hill to check out a rock that looks fun to climb (yesterday afternoon with Rob. Why did all those thorns bother me less than this needle prick?) They all have a necessary place on this sliding balance scale by which we can affirm……everything.
peace, love,
d
March 25, 2008 at 4:42 pm |
David — I think you finally hit upon what may be the lesson you are learning thru your cancer. You are ALIVE — I finally feel, reading your blog, that I am hearing from the real David. You can now be FEARLESS!!
It doesn’t suprise me that you don’t want calm, soothing — you want scarysexy because it speaks to your, well, ALIVENESS. I think you need to listen to Manu Dbango’s “Big Blow’ — African/ jazz/ saxaphone /funky/ let’s dance outside in the moonlight/ crazy energy affirming ( with a shot of rum )…… I’ll let you borrow my African headresses…
p.s. CHrissie Hynde OLD??!!??
March 25, 2008 at 6:09 pm |
Laura, You hit the nail on the head. we are alive aren’t we!?! Another one of my favorite life-affirming songs is David Byrnes’ “You and I” even though the first line is, “You and I, may kill our selves..” Scarysexy and joyfully life-affirming.
Finally, A bunch of thanks for correcting my misspelling of the divine, always scarysexy, Ms. Hynde.
d
March 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm |
David – I love your twisted humor. Set the bar high and demand that we keep up. The frog reference brought back the poignant “Circle of Life” story you told us years ago right when Rob’s tadpole had grown up and needed to be released back to his kind. You were so gentle and lovingly carefully preparing the ceremony of letting go of a beloved pet frog, explaining to the kids the nature of living things. Poised by the side of the pond, you and the kids crouched down to watch as the frog launched himself into the open mouth of a suddenly appearing fish. Disney could not have scripted a better scene stealing shock. I have never seen you so speechless as you frantically searched for the words to rescue the kids from the horror they just witnessed. Living in the moment. You are a class act.
March 29, 2008 at 12:04 am |
speaking of sexyscary, how’s the new hair cut going? it does have it benifits.
March 30, 2008 at 7:20 pm |
David, send me your address! I will mail you a CD, I have lots of music I think you’d enjoy. Or better yet, I could give you a CD over lunch some day. I like the idea of lunch in the sculpture park as it warms up.